Damaged Faith
by DancinCaliDiva
Summary: Olivia is in San Francisco with Jake when she sees breaking news that shakes her to her core. What will she do when everything changes and she is forced to deal with it?
1. Chapter 1

**_In a stunning and unexpected move President Fitzgerald Grant filed for divorce from his wife of 25 year Mellie Grant late yesterday. The divorce papers cited the often used 'irreconcilable differences'. When asked for comment acting Press Secretary and White House Chief of Staff Cyrus Beene responded with 'No comment'. Mellie Grant was spotted boarding Air Force One with the Vice President today. Their destination is unknown. As you will recall the eldest son of the First Couple Jerry Grant died a little over two months ago from bacterial meningitis. Perhaps the loss of their son was the final straw for the couple that has been plagued with infidelity accusations throughout President Grant's time in the Oval Office. This is a developing story and we will keep you up to date on the latest. _**

Olivia shut the television off and sat dumbfounded on the sofa of the apartment she had been sharing with Jake since they left DC for San Francisco the day after the election. The time with Jake had been tense to say the least. It seemed that he believed that Olivia would give in and revisit their sexual relationship. She had spent a great deal of time explaining that allowing him to come with her was not going to change the fact that she was just not in love him and never would be. Jake had begun working for a security consulting company that was keeping him away from the apartment most of the time. Olivia had been very grateful for that because when Jake was there he was moody and impossible to deal with. She had realized a week into their arrangement that she had made a huge mistake by leaving but believed it was too late. She had made her bed and she needed to lie in it. Her bed….every night she cried herself to sleep. She missed Fitz more than she ever thought was possible. She longed for him, ached for him. During the day when she was working on the campaign for a local Senator she was able to keep thoughts of Fitz at bay but at night when she was alone in her bed she would be flooded with memories and dreams and fantasies of him and Vermont. She had never felt so alone in her entire life. She continued staring at the blank screen of the television. He had done it. He had ended his marriage. He had fulfilled his end of the bargain and she had left him…again. Olivia had ran from him and what they could be and he had actually followed through. Had he done it for her? Was the divorce his bat signal? Was he calling for her to come home? Had he forgiven her and wanted her to know that he was waiting, that he was ready? Questions clouded her head and her heart. Olivia loved Fitz. She loved him more than anything else in the world. But it was too late, wasn't it? Had there been too much damage? His son was dead. His son had died at the hands of her mother. Mellie was raped and that was what had caused the decay of their marriage. He would want to repair that wouldn't he? But he didn't. He had ended the marriage. Olivia was suddenly inspired to move. She went into her bedroom and pulled the suitcases from her closet. She was going back. She needed to see if he still wanted her. To see if he still loved her.

Fitz felt like a weight had been lifted from him. The last several months had been chaos. He had fought hard to win the election above board. Mellie's secret was out. B6-13 had been dismantled and then re-established with Rowan back in charge. The losses however were astronomical. James, Jerry, and Olivia were all gone. Cyrus had become even more of a pit bull than he had been before. Mellie and Fitz had finally admitted to themselves and each other that the marriage was irreversibly broken and had gone their separate ways. Mellie and Andrew would discreetly pursue their relationship. Fitz however was alone. Fitz didn't know why but Olivia had left. Left him. Left OPA. She was just gone. He was not sure but Jake's absence seemed to indicate that he was with Olivia wherever she was. Fitz was angry for a few weeks but as he and Mellie settled the terms of their divorce he had come to terms with his life. He would finish out his term as President. He would focus on the country and making sure that Karen and Teddy were loved and taken care of. He would be a better father, a better President, and a better man. He would be what Olivia had always thought him to be. He would be the man she deserved even though she wasn't there to see it. He would never know why she left but he couldn't blame her or hate her for it. He understood. The obstacles were just too great. She couldn't take it anymore. She couldn't wait forever. He got it. That didn't change the fact that he loved her. He always would. She was his soul mate. He had known that the minute he laid eyes on her. He would never not miss her or not want her. But she was gone and as much as he considered just laying down and dying from the loss of both her and his oldest son he couldn't. Karen and Teddy needed him. Cyrus needed him. The country need him so he kept moving. One step at a time until he got to a point where he could get through the day without thoughts of Olivia's eyes and smile crippling him. The nights were still hell. He longed for her. He ached for her. But the days? The days were getting better. Fitz was moving on and he was sure he would make it. He had to make it. He owed it to everyone. He owed to Jerry and Mellie and Cyrus and Olivia but mostly he owed it to himself. He would make it. He believed.

The flight was agony. She didn't know what she was doing. She had no right to just show up without warning but she couldn't stop herself. She had been lying to herself and trying to survive without him and it was the worst kind of pain she could have ever imagined. How could she do that to him? How could she walk away when he was at his worst? How could she do that to the man she loved? What was wrong with her? The guilt had been eating her alive. At first she could rationalize it. Her mother had killed his son. Her father was the devil. She only brought him pain and distraction. But as time went on all of those excuses were hollow and empty. She didn't leave him for any reason other than her own stupidity. Her own fear. Her own lack of faith. What had she done? She held her breath as the Town car entered the White House gates. She had tried to reach Tom but was informed that he was no longer on POTUS detail so she tried Daniel. He had been kind to her in the past and had been the one that accompanied Tom when Fitz had sent for her. She wasn't sure why but Hal had become sort of a ghost. Not that she cared really. Daniel had arranged the car and for her to get into the White House. Once she was through the doors she paused before walking down the hallway.

'Are you all right, Miss Pope?' Daniel asked.

'Yes. I just needed a moment. Thank you. I am ready now.' She smiled. She followed Daniel toward the Oval Office. Once they were there a stunned Lauren stood up.

'Miss…Miss Pope. Hello. I…um...' she stammered.

'Hi Lauren. Is he in?' Olivia didn't recognize her own voice. It was dripping with apprehension.

'He is.' Lauren nodded. 'And yes he is alone.' Olivia smiled softly. She walked over to the door slowly. She took a deep breath and knocked.

'Come in.' His warm baritone sounded through the door. Olivia lifted her hand to the knob and realized it was shaking. She paused for a moment. She wanted to run. She didn't know what his reaction would be. She didn't know how hurt or angry he may be. She wanted to turn around and run out the door but she didn't. She couldn't, not this time. She stood up straight and opened the door.

Fitz was seated at his desk looking more Presidential than she remembered. His eyes were focused on papers in front of him. She admired his strong jawline and flawless profile and those soft curls she could never stop running her fingers through. God she loved him. The sight of him instantly brought tears to her eyes. She closed the door behind her but did not move. She waited a moment until she could find her voice. He still hadn't looked up. Finally the waiting was too much.

'Hi.' Her voice was small and quiet and filled with emotion.

Fitz felt his heart stop. He had fantasies of her coming to him. Fantasies that she would come back and tell him she was wrong and she needed him and loved him. And every fantasy started with her sweet voice and that two letter word that held everything for them. He closed his eyes and lifted his head. He was so afraid to open his eyes because it was like a knife going through his heart every time he did and she wasn't there. He could smell her. That scent that was his Livvie. The scent that he dreamed about. A fantasy wouldn't be this vivid would it? He opened his eyes and there she was. There was the woman he loved. The woman that mattered more than any other in his entire life. The woman who completed his soul and made him feel whole.

'Hi.'

They stared at one another for a moment. Neither one wanting to move or speak. The moment seemed fragile and they didn't want it to break.

'Are you back?' Fitz asked after a long time.

'I don't know.' She whispered back.

'What does that mean?'

'I want to come back. I want to be here but only if I can be here…..with you.'

Fitz stared at her for a moment. 'Livvie, it's been almost three months. I haven't heard a word from you. I only knew you were safe because your father promised me you were. You left me and you didn't say goodbye. Why? What did I do, Livvie? Please tell me. I don't understand what I could have done that you would run off with Jake days after my child died.' Fitz's voice was so sad that Olivia fell her heart break. She realized that Fitz thought he had done something to deserve her abandoning him. It made her hate herself and what she had done even more.

'Fitz. No. You didn't do anything. I just….I….it wasn't you. I thought I had to leave. I thought that everyone would be better if I wasn't here. You, my team. I thought that I was the scandal and I needed to do the right thing and shut it down. So I left.'

'With Jake….'

'Jake went with me yes but I did not leave with him. I do not love him. I do not want him. In hindsight I think I didn't want to go alone. Or I convinced myself I didn't want to go alone. Fitz, you have to understand that Jake is a nonfactor. He has never been anything to me. Not anything that mattered.'

'Livvie, don't you understand that I need you? I don't want to live without you. I don't even want to try. Why would you think you had to leave me?'

'My mother killed your son.'

'Yes. But we all played a part in that didn't we? Your father allowed her to escape his custody. Jake and Huck removed her tracker. I let her leave the country. Harrison helped her get close to us. We all played our role in that. It wasn't your burden only.'

'And all of you did what you did because of or for me! I am poison Fitz. The people I love get harmed or die because of me. Your son is dead. Quinn is an assassin. Huck is broken. Abby can't be normal. James is dead. Harrison is involved with terrorists. Everyone is shattered and the common denominator is me. I have ruined everything I have ever touched.' Olivia sobbed.

'Livvie, stop it! Just stop it! This is not real. You are not responsible for every goddamn horrible thing that happens in this life. Quinn made choices. So did Huck and Abby and Harrison. Jake killed James. You had nothing to do with that! Your mother killed my son. You did not. You are not going to martyr yourself for grown adult's behaviors. Not anymore.'

'But…Fitz...'

'What do you want, Olivia?'

'What?'

'What. Do. You. Want? Where do you want your life to be going? What is it that you want?' Fitz was frustrated.

'I want…..' Olivia hesitated.

'Do you even know? Because I know what I want. I always have. But I don't think you do. I think you are so lost that you don't know your way back. I used to believe you wanted me. That you wanted Vermont and kids and jam and me. But every time we get close you leave. And maybe that was my fault. Maybe by allowing myself to remain with Mellie I let you down. But I am not with Mellie anymore. The divorce has been filed. It has been announced and neither Mellie nor I want to go back on it so I am free. I am here and free and ready to move on with you. But I don't know if that is what you want. I could very realistically wake up tomorrow and you'll be gone. You will have chosen OPA or Jake or whatever and you will be gone. I want you. I love you. I want to give you everything but I can't if you don't tell me what you want. I can't do anything if you will not let me so for the last time Olivia, what do you want!?' Fitz was almost yelling. It was forceful and strong but not malicious. This was his last stand. His last attempt. Everything was Olivia's hands. Would she run or would she fight?

'I want a little girl with your eyes and curls and my smile and attitude. I want a little boy that is the spitting image of you in every way. I want him to be idealistic and romantic and kind. I want Vermont and jam and a golden retriever and I want to grow old with you next to me. I want Christmases and birthdays and football games. I want dance recitals and band competitions and PTA. I want a house full of grandchildren that we spoil. I want a life. A normal real life. And even if I can't have any of it I still want you. I love you. I am so lost without you. I don't know why I keep running. I want to figure that out because it hurts so much when I do it. I am broken Fitz. I am damaged and angry and scared. But all of it subsides with you. You make me whole. You make me believe that the damage isn't permanent. That I still can be and deserved to be loved despite all of the horrible things I have done.'

She wasn't sure when he had gotten up but suddenly he was right in front of her. She looked up at him as the tears fell from both of their eyes. Her hands where in his.

'Livvie, we can do this. We can figure this all out. We can figure out us and why you run and everything else. We can figure it out together if that is what you want. Is that what you want?'

'Yes. Fitz please. Help me. I need you but I don't want to hurt you again. I don't want to run away and leave you alone. Please help me.'

'Done. We will figure it out. Together. We will get it handled. And then when you are ready I will take you to Vermont and I will give you that little girl and that little boy and anything else you want. But I need you to stay. No more Jake. No more running. It's you and me. We will take it slow. We both have work to do but we _will _do it. Baby promise me, if you feel like running you will come to me first.'

'I promise. You're everything. Nothing else matters without you so whatever I need to do to keep you I will do. No more running, I promise.' Olivia was steadfast in her declaration. She would stay. She would get her head figured out and she would stay. For him. For their children. But mostly for herself because she knows what life without him is like and she knows that is not what she wants.

'Fitz, I love you. I don't say it enough but I am in love with you. It's the greatest thing I have ever known and it's real. I love you.'

Fitz cupped her face in hands and wiped her tears with his thumbs. 'I know, Livvie. I love you too.' And then he kissed her. A perfect kiss that sealed their commitment. There would be no more lies. No more running. No Mellie or Jake. Fitz and Olivia would walk the rest of their path side by side. It wouldn't be easy but they were going to do it as a team because at the end of that road was a little girl with Fitz's eyes and curls and Olivia's smile and attitude. At the end of that road was a little boy who was the spitting image of his father in every way. At the end of that road was a life. A life they both want. A life they were both finally willing to fight for together.

**Hi all! I know it has been what….years? I am sorry but I kind of lost my muse. However this story would not leave my head so I put it on paper. I am not sure if I will continue it or not. Maybe you can help me decide. Please let me know what you think. Thanks for reading! **


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two: Secrets**

He had been calling every hour on the hour for the last two days. She hadn't picked up a single one. She hadn't listened to his voicemails. She honestly just didn't care anymore. She just wanted it to be done. Olivia had been staying at Blair House. She wasn't yet ready to completely re-enter the fold or deal with OPA so Fitz offered her Blair House until she felt comfortable going back to her apartment. It had allowed them to share a few meals together and talk. They had been cautious but comfortable with one another. With only a few kisses exchanged, they both knew there needed to be some progress made before they made love again. If she was totally honest with herself she loved the normal she was having with Fitz. Olivia never felt that they could just **be** together but he was proving her wrong. She loved every second of it.

'Ugh!' she said as the phone rang again. 'Damn it! What!' She answered. She knew she had to have this conversation.

'What? WHAT?! Where the hell have you been Olivia? It's been two days! I was about to call your father!' Jake's voice was terse.

'You don't need to call anyone. I am fine, Jake.'

"Where are you?'

She took a deep breath. This was going to be bad. He had been impossible to live with the last couple of weeks. She knew he would lose his mind the minute she told him where she was but it had to be done. No more lies. No more Jake. 'I'm home.'

'You are not home. I am home and you are not here!' he spat back.

'Not home there. Home here. I am in DC.'

'What?'

'I flew back on Wednesday.'

'Why?'

'Because it was time to stop running, Jake. We can't live this way.'

'What way? This was your idea. This is what you wanted!'

'Jake, don't do that. Don't pretend like we both didn't know what was happening here. I was running and you were following. That is all it was.'

'That was not all it was! We have a connection, Olivia. You know we do!'

'It's a forced connection at best. Nothing about us has been real. You came into my life to spy on me for Fitz and for my father. You were interested in me under orders. And I….I was heartbroken. I was so consumed with missing another man that I couldn't breathe so I used you to ease some of that ache. This was never more than a rebound. We both know that.'

'So you're with him?'

'I am working things out for myself. But he is the goal. He always has been. I told you I am in love with him. It will always be him. He is my soul mate. You need to find your own bit of happiness Jake. Away from me and away from B6-13. I have to go. Take care.' She hung up before he could say anything further and turned off the phone. She walked over to the landline in the living room of Blair House and called Lauren.

'Hi Lauren. Can you see about getting me a new phone with a different phone number please? Thank you.' She had said everything she needed to say to Jake. It was time to move on.

XXXXX

'How are you today, Olivia?' Dr. Erica Warren was the best psychiatrist in Washington. She had worked with many high profile people and was known for her discretion as well as being brilliant at her craft.

'Anxious mostly but okay.' Olivia responded.

'Anxiety from this or something else?'

'This.'

'Okay well let's start slowly okay? Why don't you tell me why you are here? What do you want to accomplish from therapy?'

'Um….well I guess I want to figure out why I do some of the things that I do.'

'That's good. What do you mean by that? What kinds of things?' Dr. Warren asked.

'I hurt the people I love. I run away when things get real. I hold the wrong people accountable for things that happen. And lately I have allowed two men that are close to me to physically harm me without repercussions. And that is not like me at all. I just haven't been myself in so long. I want to know why. I want to know if I am too broken to be fixed.' Olivia's voice cracked and tears spilled over.

'Olivia, no one is too broken to be fixed.'

XXXXX

Fitz sat on the sofa in Blair House. Olivia had her first appointment with a psychiatrist and he wanted to see how it went. He also wanted to deliver the phone Lauren had gotten for her.

Olivia walked into Blair House. Her session was emotionally draining and difficult and she really wanted to go to sleep but when she saw Fitz she felt better. She knew he was there to see how she was feeling. She also knew it was good he was there because she had a couple of things to tell him.

'Hi.' She said.

'Hi.' He smiled that crooked smile that made her weak in the knees and smile back at him. 'Here is the phone you asked Lauren to get you.' He set it on the coffee table.

'Thank you." Olivia replied as she removed her jacket and moved to sit next to him.

'How did it go?' Fitz asked as he placed his hand on her knee.

'It was….hard. But good.' She said as she laced her fingers through his. 'I am actually glad you are here. I need to talk to you about something. Do you have time?'

'Yes.' Fitz felt his stomach knot. 'Are you okay?'

Olivia smiled softly and said, 'No. But I am getting better. In my session today Dr. Warren and I discussed something that I realized I need to be honest about with you. Now before I tell you I want you to know that I am okay and I am telling you this because I really want there to be absolutely no secrets between us.'

'Okay.'

'Last year when I was in the hospital, do you remember?'

'Of course. Someone broke into your place and hurt you.'

'No. I was at Jake's.' Olivia watched the hurt flash in his eyes. He understood what that meant and it hurt. She reached for both of his hands. 'I'd gone into his kitchen because I wanted to watch the interview with you and Mellie again. I wanted to see you. Even in that moment after what had just happened, I just wanted you. So I looked for a remote and that is how I found out Jake had cameras in my apartment. He had a wall with several screens that had the rooms of my apartment on them. He came out of the bedroom and saw that I knew. I went to run away but he tried to stop me from leaving and we struggled. For a while I thought that I had stumbled and fallen but I now realize he shoved me. I hit my head and lost consciousness. That is how I got the concussion. When I woke up I was confused and angry because I realized what your connection to Jake was so I just went with the story….his story.'

'He….he shoved you? He hurt you?' Fitz's jaw clenched and his eyes welled up with tears.

'Yes.' Olivia looked at him. It was killing her to see him blame himself because that is what he was doing. That is what he always did. 'Fitz, this is not your fault.'

'I put him there. I put him in your life. He was supposed to watch you. Keep you safe and he hurt you? But you still were with him. You still cared for him….'

'I know. See what I mean when I say I am messed up.' Olivia started to cry.

'Livvie….'

Olivia took a deep breath wiped the tears from her eyes. She wasn't finished yet. 'The night that you and Cyrus came to my office. The night that I shut down B6-13… Jake came in angry and held Harrison, Huck, Abby, and David at gunpoint, threw me against the wall, and choked me.'

Fitz eyes widened. 'What!? He did what to you?!'

'Fitz…'

'He choked you and you got on that plane with him? Olivia?! He could have killed you! What are you doing? Why would you leave with him a man that did that to you?'

'I don't know. I am working on it.'

'Livvie…you are so small and Jake is a trained solider. A trained assassin. He could have….your neck. Your beautiful neck. Livvie.' Fitz gently cupped his hand on the back of her neck and ran his thumb across her throat.

'Fitz?' She looked in his eyes. 'Huck…when Huck found out that my father was Command and I knew that, he was angry and he put his hands around my neck too. And I did nothing. I said nothing. I went back to work the next day and acted like it was completely normal. Dr. Warren and I talked about it today and we're working on it. But I want you to know everything. '

'Livvie. This can't go on. I can't stand the thought of anyone putting their hands on you. You are the most precious thing in the world. How can they? How could they? Not my girl. Not my Livvie. Never again. Promise me never again.' Fitz was distraught. He couldn't harm her. He could never hurt her in that way. Who did these men think they were? They weren't men. That was the truth. Men don't harm women.

'It won't! I promise you! I will not let another man put his hands on me violently. I promise.'

'Livvie. I need to tell you something as well.'

'Okay.'

'Remember I told you that Cyrus told me about you and Jake?'

'Yes.'

'Cyrus didn't tell me. He showed me.'

Olivia narrowed her eyes and looked at him. 'What do you mean he showed you?'

'He showed me a DVD of you and Jake….. having sex.'

'What?'

'Apparently Jake had taped that…encounter and Cyrus got a hold of it.'

Olivia's face flushed and her lip began to tremble. 'So he violated me in that way as well?'

'Baby….I am sorry. I am sorry for all of this. Jake is my responsibility. Everything he has done to you is because I let him into your life.'

'No. My father did that. You were just the ruse.' Olivia shook her head. 'This is what is wrong with me. My father is a monster. I run from a good man with a pathetic one because my father is a monster. We go with what we know, right?'

'Liv, I am not a good man.'

'You are.'

'Livvie, it was me. I leaked your name to the press. It was me.'

Olivia searched his face for a moment. She had actually forgotten all about that. So much had happened that her name being out that had vanished from her thoughts. 'You need to leave.'

'What?'

'You need to leave. Now.'

Fitz looked at her but she looked away. 'You said no secrets. You said…'

'Fitz! Go! NOW!'

Fitz sat for a moment and then stood up and headed for the door. Just before he closed it, he stopped and looked at her. 'I am sorry, Livvie. I didn't do it to hurt you. I did it to free you.' Then he was gone and Olivia laid on the sofa and cried herself to sleep. Today was too much. She had been forced to feel too much.

XXXXX

Fitz walked with his agents from the Situation Room to the Oval Office. It was almost seven and he just wanted to get a couple of things and then head back to the residence. The day had been long and rough. He didn't see her at first. In fact he got all the way to his desk before he saw her sitting quietly on the sofa.

'Liv?'

'I am not angry with you. I thought I was but I'm not. You leaked my name because you didn't want Mellie to be able to hold me hostage anymore. Once I stopped and thought about it I got it. It doesn't matter. It never did.'

'Livvie….'

'No. I don't want to talk about it. It's out. All of it and now I just want to move on. So I am here to ask you if you would like to go on a date…..with me?' Olivia asked bashfully.

'A date?' Fitz smirked.

'Yes. We can't really go out but if you are available I have something set up at Blair House I would like to share with you.'

'Am I dressed appropriately?' Fitz asked.

'Yes.'

'Well then Miss Pope, lead the way. I would love to see what you have planned.' Fitz smiled as he walked to where she was seated. She stood up, looped her arm through his, and beamed up at him.

'I think you'll love it!'

**Okay so this one was not my most favorite chapter I've ever written but I will make it up along the way. Don't worry. This won't be the only mention of Liv's issues. They will be a running theme through this story. Also I am just going to let you know now so you can prepare accordingly but Jake is not gone yet. He will resurface and have to be dealt with by both Olivia and Fitz. But the next chapter will be a bit lighter. I am going to take you on the date Olivia has planned. Also look for Teddy and Karen to interact with Olivia. Thank you for all of your kind words and encouragement. Please let me know what you think! **


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three: Confessions**

Olivia and Fitz walked through the tunnel to Blair House holding hands. They didn't say a word to one another, just enjoyed the feel of being together. Once they arrived Olivia made Fitz close his eyes and she led him into the small dining room.

'No peeking, Fitzgerald.' She said playfully.

'Yes, Livvie.' He smirked. Olivia waved her hands in front of his face to see if he would react and then walked a few steps from him.

'Ok. You can open them now.'

Fitz removed his hands from his face and opened his eyes. He smiled when he saw the table before him. It was decorated so completely Olivia with a white table cloth and extra-large wine glasses. Olivia stood next to the table and to her other side was a cart with serving dishes covered with silver tops. She looked breathtakingly beautiful to him in that moment. Her cocoa skin glowing in the lavender tank top and dark blue jeans she was wearing. Her deep purple jewelry and shoes set off the outfit perfectly. Her hair was pulled up into a ponytail with soft pieces framing her face. She wore a smile that he was sure could be seen from space it was so striking and bright.

'Livvie, this is lovely.'

'Sit, please.' She replied and motioned to the table. Fitz followed her direction. 'After I decided to do this I thought of our most memorable meals. Most of them were pizza or Chinese takeout in bed...' she giggled bashfully. 'But then I remembered one night while on the trail, we actually had dinner in a restaurant just the two of us. Do you remember?'

Fitz smiled fondly at the memory. 'Of course I do. Mellie was in Denver and you and I had flown ahead to Richmond. Cyrus was supposed to meet us but his flight was cancelled in Minnesota because of weather. It was just you and me for 2 whole days. Against your very vocal objections I got you to accompany me to dinner at the Water Coastal Grill. It was very late. In fact we were the last customers of the night but the staff was gracious and allowed us to take our time. We shared the seared scallops and poached lobster and a couple bottles of the Chenin Blanc. You wanted red but I convinced you white would be better with the seafood after a lengthy discussion. We had an amazing time and you let me hold your hand and kiss you. I think that was the only time you allowed me to show any affection for you in public.'

Olivia listened as he retold a memory that she often relived. He was right, it was the only time she had let him be affectionate toward her in public. The staff was busy and distracted with their closing duties so they paid them little mind and didn't seem to recognize Fitz which happened frequently in those days. When he wasn't in 'politician mode' he appeared more youthful and most people just saw him as an attractive man and not a Presidential candidate.

That night she fell in love with him to the point of no return. She already loved him but that night she saw what it would be like to be his in public and she wanted it. That night she knew that she would never really want anyone but him. She accepted that he was her soul mate and no one else would ever matter like he did.

'You have an excellent memory, Mr. President.' She smiled.

'Only when it comes to you, Livvie. Only you.'

'Well I made a few calls and used a few resources and had the Water Coastal Grill's scallops and lobster sent up from Virginia.' She said as she removed the silver covers. She dished them both up and removed the wine from the chiller, filling their glasses. Once she was satisfied she sat down across from him. Fitz furrowed his brow and shook his head. 'Is something wrong? Do you not want it?' Olivia asked suddenly worried she had done too much. She watched as Fitz shifted his place setting, plate, and wine glasses over next to her and then moved his chair so they were sitting next to one another.

'I want to hold your hand and kiss you and I can't do that all the way over there. This way everything is exactly the same as that night.' He smiled and lifted her hand to his lips. 'Thank you, Olivia. This is absolutely perfect.'

They ate in a comfortable silence hand in hand for a while. Things were the same but different. It felt like that night in Richmond but with a deeper meaning.

'Shall I make a confession about that night?' Olivia asked timidly.

'Please.'

'After that dinner and the walk in Carytown when we went back to the hotel, I knew that I would never love anyone the way I loved you. The way I love you. We made love all night long and I had never in my life felt safer or more loved or complete in my life. You fell asleep with your arms wrapped around me and I cried. I had never cried like that.' Olivia said as the tears welled up in her eyes.

'Why? Why did you cry?' Fitz held her hand tighter and used the pad of his thumb to wipe the tears from her cheeks.

'I was happy and I had never felt that kind of total happiness in my life. I didn't know what to do with it so I cried. Fitz, I want that feeling again so badly. I think about that night all of the time especially when I have been separated from you. I have tried everything to try and get back to that place, to get back to that kind of peace and I couldn't, because it's you. You are what gave me that feeling. I need you to give me another chance because I don't want to die without feeling it again just once more. I understand it now. I didn't get it before. I was stupid and blind. But now I know the only way I will every feel that is with you. I don't where your head is with everything and I know we have a lot to work through but you need to know that I will do anything to have that moment again. Don't give up on me, ok?' She asked with desperation in her soft voice.

'Olivia, I can't give up on you. Ever. I'm not built that way. My turn for confession?' he asked. Olivia nodded as she dried the tears from her eyes. 'I have never been happier than in that moment either. I remember inhaling your scent and thinking that if I didn't wake up in the morning at least I knew what it was to be happy. To feel love like I did for you and from you that night. I have never wanted anything more than to find my way back to that night and that feeling with you. I promise I will never give up on you, if you promise to never give up on me.'

'Never.' She promised.

Fitz smiled and kissed her softly on the mouth. 'We're going to get there, baby. I know we will.' Olivia nodded. She believed him. They spent the rest of their dinner laughing and talking and being with one another. After dessert and another bottle of wine they were sitting on the sofa, cuddled up and quiet.

'I should get going. You need to sleep. It's been a long day.' Fitz whispered into her head.

'You could stay.' Olivia said back.

'Livvie, we agreed to go slowly.'

'I want to sleep with you tonight. We agreed to go slowly and not make love for now but I never agreed to not sleeping with you.'

'Liv...'

Olivia sat up and looked him in the eye. 'Fitz, please stay with me tonight. I need to feel your heartbeat. I need to feel your arms around me. Please.'

Fitz placed his hands on her face and kissed her so tenderly she thought she felt her heart burst. Fitz stood and took her hand leading her to the bedroom. They stood in the center of the room and undressed one another. It wasn't hurried or sexual. It was careful and loving. They were caring for one another. They needed to show the other how important they were. Once they were down to their underwear, Fitz lifted and carried her to the bed where he gently laid her down and covered her with the bedding. He then moved to the other side of the bed and climbed in with her. He spooned up against her and pulled her close to his chest. He wrapped his arm around her resting his hand on her stomach. Olivia laced their fingers and exhaled. She felt safe and loved. Fitz kissed the side of her head.

'Goodnight Livvie.'

'Goodnight.' She whispered. 'I love you.'

Within moments they were both soundly asleep. It had been months since either one had slept so deeply. They each knew that sleep like peace would elude them separately. Together is where they would achieve the things they needed. Together was their only shot at happiness.

XXXXXX

He sat in his car and stared up at the window. He'd been there for sixteen hours and there had been no movement. Wherever she was staying in DC, it wasn't at her apartment. He tried to convince himself that she was staying with Abby or in a hotel but deep down he knew where she was. He knew she was with him. He also knew that if she was there he wouldn't be able to get to her. He was sure that the President had a shoot on sight order on him. His mind raced. How would he get her back? How would he get to her and remind her of the promise she made him? Then he realized that at some point Olivia would go back to her office. Regardless of where she was living at some point she would return to her beloved Gladiators, what was left of them anyway. He'd just sit on OPA and wait. Wait until the opportunity presented itself and then he'd grab her and take her as far away as he could get. San Francisco was stupid. He knew it wasn't far enough but Olivia wanted to stay in the States. This time they would do it his way and his way meant out of the country. Out of reach and out of touch. He would take her somewhere so far neither The President nor her father would ever find them and if she wouldn't go willingly he would take her by force. Jake Ballard was done with the games. Olivia Pope belonged to him now and she had since the moment she let him inside of her. She needed to be reminded that he doesn't share his toys especially with Fitzgerald Grant. If Olivia dared open her legs to Fitz again, Jake would teach her a lesson she would never forget. She was his and he didn't care how but any man that she allowed to touch her would meet a messy end and she would be branded has 'Property of Jake Ballard' once and for all.

'No more games Olivia! You aren't leaving me to be that man's whore again. You're mine. You will behave as such! Ungrateful bitch! I risked my life for you and this is how you repay me? You will make it right, one way or another!' Jake spoke calmly to the photo in his hand before he shoved it back in his glove compartment and sped off. He had plans to make.

**Okay! I am sure you all hate me because this took forever to update. I think I feel the muse returning so I will hopefully be updating a lot more frequently. Please let me know what you think. Review review. **


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four: Realizations**

'So Olivia, how are you doing since our last session? Are you feeling better about things?' Dr. Warren asked.

'Yes. Well, I am about some things but not everything.' Olivia replied. 'I'm working things out with the man I love and that feels amazing but a part of me is still lacing up her running shoes, you know? That scares me more than I can tell you. I don't want to run from him again. I don't but when I'm alone and start to feel overwhelmed, I feel the urge to pack up and go again. It's not even just about him and how he loves me or how afraid I am of letting him down or hurting him again. It's my job. I haven't been back to my office. My team doesn't even know I'm back in DC. I can't face them. I feel...ashamed.'

'Okay. Let's start with your relationship. What makes you run? What has triggered your flight instinct when it comes to this man?'

'The first time it was guilt over the affair. The second time it was wanting him to be the best man he could be and I didn't think that could happen with me in the picture. The third time it was just out and out bullshit. This last time was about his loss. My mother killed his son. How do I look him in the eye after my own flesh and blood has done something so horrific? I couldn't so I got on a plane with a man that I knew was wrong in every way and left the love of my life to mourn his son alone. What you should be asking me Doctor is what doesn't make me run?' Olivia felt sick saying it out loud. When she did it was all too real for her. The pain she had caused Fitz over and over and over again, it made her ache for him.

'Let's talk about this man that you left with, what was your relationship with him?'

'He was a boyfriend...no that's not true. He was a man I slept with to either make me feel better about being separated from Fitz or to get information. I guess it was a relationship in the sense that I did care what happened to him and I felt responsible for some of the things that happened to him but I never loved him. I never even came close. He was never going to mean anything real to me. I guess that's why I could rationalize prostituting myself to get information from him. I felt sick afterwards but not because I used him. It was because of what I was becoming and the fact that I had betrayed Fitz. I was so mad at him a few years ago for being with another woman but the truth was I had no right. We weren't together at the time. He was free to do whatever he wanted. But when I slept with Jake the last time, Fitz and I were as together as we could be. I betrayed him and you know what he did? He let it go. He hated it but he didn't hold it over my head or get angry. He just told me that it made him crazy and that he didn't want me to do it. When I found out about this other woman from a couple of years ago, I tried to destroy him professionally. I have been so hypocritical when it comes to him. It's so unfair. I don't even know why or how he can still love me the way he does.'

'Okay. Let's get back to this other man. He was one of the men that physically assaulted you right?' Dr. Warren asked and Olivia nodded. 'So why did you leave with him? You've told me you didn't love him and knew you never would. He lied to you, assaulted you, and killed your friend. So why do you think you left with him?'

'He asked me if he could come with me.'

'Why? Did he think you were in love with him?'

'No. I told him I loved another man. I was very clear about that.' Olivia replied.

'Then why did he want to go?'

'He said he wanted to stand in the sun. He asked me to save him. So I let him come along. I wanted to help him.'

'Why?'

'That's what I do. I save people. I fix them.'

'No, Olivia. You fix situations. You cannot fix people. People have to fix themselves. Do you not see that this man manipulated you? He told you exactly what he knew would get you to do what he wanted. He had you lying for him. He had you protecting him. He attacked you more than once and put your life in danger. Olivia, this is classic batterer behavior.' Dr. Warren explained.

'No. He wasn't battering me. He's had a rough life. He is trained to...'

'Olivia, stop right now. Listen to yourself. You are making excuses for this man where there are none. He was trying to control you. He tried and succeeded in getting you away from everything and everyone you know and love and he did that by manipulating you and playing on your, and I'm sorry to say this as harshly as I am going to but it needs to be said, playing on your inexplicable need to save people. You have a savior complex, Olivia. And you need to recognize and correct that behavior because it is becoming dangerous for you.' Dr. Warren was firm with her diagnosis and her advice. Olivia needed to understand where the root of the issue began.

Olivia sat in silence and ran over and over in her head what Dr. Warren was saying as well as everything that had happened with Jake. It finally hit her. Jake _was_ doing all of the things Dr. Warren pointed out.

'Every time I said goodbye to him and tried to break it off he would come back and convince of something else that made him necessary. My safety, Fitz, my mother, his job, and finally saving him. Oh my god. How could I not see this?'

'Olivia, you see things you want to see. With this man he showed you what he knew you wanted to see and with all the chaos going on, he was able to control you. Now that you understand what has happened and what the consequences of those things were or could have been you have the power to change things going forward. Fixing situations is noble and a great thing to do but you cannot fix people. You cannot save people from themselves. That is not your responsibility, Olivia. That is not your job.' Dr. Warren explained gently. 'Where does your relationship with this man stand now?'

'I told him that I had come back to DC and he should find his own happiness away from me and away from his old job.' Olivia said.

'Do you believe he will do that? Do you believe he will stay away from you? Because if you do not fully believe that in your gut you need to prepare yourself for when he resurfaces. In my experience batterers rarely just give up.'

'No. He won't. He will come for me. I'm safe where I am staying but if he gets a chance, he will try and get to me.' Olivia's gut was screaming. Jake wasn't going to give up on her and it was stupid to believe he would. She finally saw him for what he really was. She needed to talk to Fitz. _No more secrets_

'Well then you know what you need to do. Be _very_ careful, Olivia. I will see you next week.' Dr. Warren said.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

'Hi Lauren, is he in?' Olivia asked as she approached Lauren's desk.

'Yes ma'am. He has about an hour before his next meeting. Mr. Beene just left so he should be alone.' Lauren told her.

Olivia smiled. 'Thank you.' She walked over to the door and knocked softly before turning the handle. The small smile she was still wearing for Lauren became huge when she saw his blue eyes dancing at his desk.

'Hi.' Fitz said.

'Hi.'

'How was your session?' He asked and moved to the sofas so he could set with her.

'Very productive. That is actually why I am here. I need to ask you for something and it's really hard for me to do this so please bear with me.'

'Livvie, I will give you anything you want. You know that.' Fitz ran his hand down her arm and laced his fingers with hers.

'Fitz, I know that it is entirely against protocol and that I don't have any right to ask but do you think you could assign me a security detail?'

Fitz's eyes widened and concern etched across his face. 'What's wrong? Are you in some kind of danger?'

'I think so. I didn't really realize it until I was with Dr. Warren but we were talking things out and she made me realize some things and now I know I need to be careful and I should be afraid.' Liv explained.

'Who are you afraid of, Livvie?'

'Jake.'

'Jake? Why? I thought you were done with him?'

'I am. I am done with him and that is why I am afraid. Fitz, Dr. Warren and I discussed Jake and my relationship with him and as we were going over everything I realized that unbeknownst to me, I have been involved with someone that is not sane and dangerous and now that he knows where I am and why I have to assume he is angry and I have to assume he will come after me. He was angry when I broke it off. Every single time that I have told him goodbye, he has figured out a way to weasel himself back into my life. This time he can't because I am at Blair House. That is only going to make him angrier. He will figure out that I am not staying at my apartment and I have not been back to OPA and he will know I am here with you and he will become irrational and dangerous and he terrifies me when he is like that. When he is like that he kills people or chokes me and holds my staff at gunpoint. I don't want to risk it and I can't stay locked up in Blair House forever. I need to get back to work soon. I need to check in with my staff but I don't want to do that if it's going to make me a sitting duck. So please Fitz, will you help me?'

'Yes, of course. Yes, Livvie. I will do anything to keep you safe. I will have Daniel pick out some agents that he feels are good and you would be comfortable with. In the meantime you will not go anywhere without him. This includes the tunnels, Liv. I don't think Jake can get into them but I also wouldn't put anything past him. I have no idea what he may have learned or have access to from when he was with B6-13. I don't want you going back and forth in those tunnels alone, understood.'

Olivia nodded and tried to fight the tears that were filling her eyes. Fitz pulled her close to him and held her tightly. 'I'm scared, Fitz and I hate being scared.'

'I know, Livvie. But I will keep you safe. I promise.' They sat like that for a few minutes when Lauren came in.

'Sorry to interrupt but Miss Pope you have a phone call.'

Olivia furrowed her brow. 'What? No one knows I'm here. Did they say who they were?'

'Yes ma'am. It's that Huck person from your office. He's called here every day since you left to see if anyone had heard from you. Today was the first time he called since you returned.'

'You told him Olivia was here, Lauren?' Fitz asked.

'No, sir. He said he knew she was here.'

Fitz looked at Olivia. Something wasn't right. 'Put him through, Lauren.' Fitz walked over to the desk and picked up the phone. 'Huck? This is President Grant. How can I help you?'

'Well I did ask to speak to Olivia but I'm guessing that won't happen now.' His voice dripped with malice.

'Jake?' Fitz said. Olivia gasped and walked over to Fitz.

'Yes sir. How are you? I've been meaning to send my condolences about your son. Time just got away from me.'

'What do you want, Ballard?'

'I just wanted to ask Olivia a question.'

'That isn't going to happen.' Fitz said but before he could stop Olivia reached over and put the call on speaker.

'What do you want, Jake? I thought we said our goodbyes.' Olivia said in an ice cold voice.

'Oh there you are, Liv. You said goodbye but I didn't. That's not why I called though.' Jake's tone had something in it that made Olivia's skin crawl.

'Why did you call?' she spat.

'Tell me Liv, how is Harrison?' Jake asked.

'Harrison? What? What the hell are you talking about, Jake? I'm not interested in any of your games.' Liv's tone was dismissive and this just proved to irritate Jake further.

'Fine, let's cut to the chase. Your number two in command? Your Gladiator in a suit? Well, I'm sorry to tell you he's dead. But that's not the best part.'

'What?' Olivia choked out as she felt her knees start to buckle she held on to Fitz's desk.

'Ballard! What the hell are you talking about!?' Fitz yelled. He looked at Olivia and watched the color drain from her face. He reached over and pulled her to him by her waist.

'Don't act like you don't know, Mr. President.' Olivia looked at Fitz with sad and confused eyes.

'Is it true? Is Harrison dead? Did you know this?' Liv asked terrified of his answer.

'No. I don't know anything about Harrison. I haven't seen him in months.' Fitz answered.

'Well that's odd. I just watched a video of one of your Secret Service Agents putting a bullet into his head.' Jake smirked as he spoke.

'Oh my god.' Olivia pulled away from Fitz.

'He's lying. What reason would I have to have Harrison killed, Livvie?'

'I don't know your reasons but I do recognize good old Tom when I see him. So if he wasn't acting under your orders sir, whose orders was he operating under? Olivia, I'll be waiting for you at home when you're done with the man that murdered your most trusted friend.' Jake said and hung up.

Olivia stood motionless for a moment and turned and threw up in Fitz's wastebasket. Fitz knelt next to her. 'Livvie?'

'Fitz?' She looked at him with devastated eyes. 'Please, no. Please tell me you didn't do this. Please tell me you didn't have Tom kill Harrison so that you could find me. He didn't know where I was. Please Fitz. Tell me you didn't.' Olivia was sobbing.

'No. Olivia I swear to you. I swear on my children I did not. I would not. Tom went AWOL shortly after you left. I don't know where he is. We are looking but we don't know where he is. Liv, I did not do this.'

'I'm sorry. I just. I need to call Abby. Maybe he's lying and Harrison is fine.'

'Yeah. Yeah, let's call Abby.' Fitz picked Olivia up off the floor and put her in his chair and then dialed OPA.

'Olivia Pope and Associates.' Abby's voice filled the room.

'Gabby, it's President Grant.' Fitz said.

'Abby!' Olivia said in an angry whisper.

'I'm sorry. I mean Abby. My apologies.' Fitz stammered.

'Hello, Mr. President. If this is about Olivia, we haven't heard from her since she left.' Abby explained.

'No. Actually I was calling about Harrison. Is he there?'

'No, sir. Can I help you?' Abby responded.

'Do you know when he will be back? This is something he helped me with on the first campaign. I really need to speak with him.'

'Sir, I'm sorry. We don't know where Harrison is. We haven't seen or heard from him since Olivia left. I think he is with her. If I hear from either of them I will call you. Goodbye.'

'Thank you, Abby. Goodbye.' Fitz looked at Olivia who looked like she was going to be sick again. 'Livvie, I will find him. We will find him.'

'He's dead, Fitz. I can feel it. I let him down too. He's gone.' Olivia laid her head on Fitz's desk and sobbed. Fitz rubbed her back and let her feel it. He knew she needed to get it out and then she would be ready to find Harrison or avenge him. He would do everything he could to help her.

'Livvie. We will fix this somehow. We will find a way to do right by Harrison, I promise.' He knelt next to her and pulled her to the floor with him. Olivia knew Harrison was gone and the pain she felt was crippling. She was so grateful she was with Fitz in that moment. She wouldn't have been able to take it without him. She held onto Fitz like she thought he would disappear and sobbed for her friend, her Gladiator. She wept for Harrison.

**Hi all! So most of you are not at all happy about Jake. Let me assure you Olivia will at no point go back to Jake. That said there are consequences for every action and in my story Jake is going to pay for what he has done. Unfortunately that means he will be around for a while longer. Oh and Harrison...ugh. That will be handled as well in this story. Anyway let me know what you think. Thank you for all of your reviews and for reading!**


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